


Coming Clean

by yellowtwizzler



Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Matthew finally tells James, Matthew x happiness, Parabatai, heart to heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:40:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24994012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowtwizzler/pseuds/yellowtwizzler
Summary: Matthew has been hiding a secret from James for far too long. James can't ignore the shadow over his Parabatai any longer, so he confronts him about it and won't budge until he figures out the truth.I know Cassandra Clare said that he would tell Cordelia, but I really like their Parabatai relationship and I just want Matthew to be happy. He deserves it.
Relationships: Matthew Fairchild & James Herondale
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	Coming Clean

“Jamie,” Matthew pleaded. “Please, can we just go? Every night that I am not gracing the people of London with my brilliant smile, a star winks out of the sky and dies. I am not exaggerating, nor bragging, that is really just how it is.” James was sitting on his bed in full party attire, unmoving, while Matthew smiled his best golden child smile at him, attempting unsuccessfully to distract his Parabatai.   
“I will not leave this spot until you tell me about whatever makes this dark cloud follow you around like a second Oscar. I have let it weigh you down for far too long, and as your parabatai, I am ashamed of myself for doing so.” James said stubbornly. For possibly the first time ever, James was invincible to the smile.   
“Silly Jamie,” Matthew sighed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now come on, I just bought this waistcoat and I would like to show it off,” he said as he tugged at James’ arm.   
James gave him a look and crossed his arms. “Math, we are linked together by the power of the angel Raziel, and I know what I feel. I may not be able to fix your problem, but I can definitely share your burden.”  
Matthew’s sunny expression darkened slightly, the way only his closest friends could notice. “Jamie, you do not deserve to have to carry all my burdens. As your parabatai, I cannot jeopardize your happiness like that. Now, I don’t suppose you'll just drop it, will you? I’d really like to go out and have a grand time.”   
“Bullshit,” James told Matthew. Matthew looked shocked that James swore at him, but James ignored him. “You're not telling me because you're punishing yourself. Don’t lie to me or tell me you want me to be happy when I can’t truly be happy unless you are too. That's what parabatai means, Matthew, that we trust each other completely, with everything, that we don’t lie to each other. Look at father and Uncle Jem- before mother came along, Jem was the only one who he was kind to. By keeping this from me you are disrespecting me and our parabatai oath, which is unacceptable. And do not even try to deny it, Matthew Fairchild, or I swear to the angel that-”   
“Stop.” Matthew sat down next to James and put his hand on his. He looked at James in the eyes and said in the most sincere tone James had ever heard from him, “James. I would never purposefully disrespect you or our parabatai oath. Us being parabatai means everything to me. Please believe that.”  
“So tell me. We shall never have to speak of it again, but let me bear some of your burden.” James said in an almost whisper.   
“I killed someone. I’m a murderer and I never told you because I didn’t want to get in trouble.” Matthew said, after a very long pause that had led James to believe he wasn't going to speak at all.   
“No.” James said gently after another moment of silence. “Tell me the whole story, from the beginning.” He put his hand over the parabatai rune inked into Matthew’s wrist.   
Matthews' smile slipped off his face as he resignedly began his story. “Alastair, back at the academy, used to tell me all about how my father could not possibly actually be my father because of his condition, that I must be Uncle Gideon and Mama’s secret bastard son, and that's why I don’t look like Papa. That everyone knew that but me. I tried to ignore him, but being the disaster that I am, I couldn’t shake his words." Matthew's words began to spill out faster, as if they had finally broken through a dam and Matthew could not stop the torrent. "One night, I bought a fairy potion, against Uncle Jem’s advice, from the shadowmarket. It was a truth potion, so that my bloody idiot self could finally know for sure who my father was. I slipped the potion into Mother’s scones the next morning, and she quickly fell very ill. You remember. My father took me aside and told me that they had been expecting, that my mistake killed the baby. And the icing on the cake was that he then also told me about my great-aunt Matilda, who I apparently take after very closely. So, I wasn’t lying. I am a murderer. I killed an innocent unborn baby and almost killed my mother in the process all because thought my own mother might have been unfaithful. Some son I am. And I couldn’t tell you Jamie, even though Jem told me I should, because you’re so good, and you always saw me as good, and I couldn’t lose you because the boy you agreed to become Parabatai with was gone, because I still needed you, just like I always do.” He roughly pulled his hand out of James’ and stood as he quickly swiped a hand across his wet face. He didn’t look at Jamie as he continued. “I thought the not knowing would kill me, Jamie, would eat at me until there was nothing left. But my life was not worth that. My peace of mind was not worth that. I am not worth that. I would do anything to take back that day, Jamie. Anything.” He was silent for a moment, staring at his parabatai, then launched back into his rant. “You heard it. That was my deepest darkest secret. You now know just how much of a horrible monster I am. I suppose you want to stop being parabatai, although I don’t really know how that's possible, but I’m sure Uncle Jem could figure something out. I’ll even-”  
He was cut off as Jamie flung himself out of his seat at Matthew, throwing his arms around him and squeezing tight. “Oh Math,” he murmured. “You’re not a monster. You're a person. People make mistakes. You may not believe it, but it's the truth. And I will never want to not be your parabatai. There is nothing in this world, and I mean nothing, that you could do to change that. I need you too, idiot.” A huge sob left Matthew as he buried his head in James. “Oh Math,” James said again. The two parabatai stood there in an embrace, Matthew apologizing in between sobs over and over as James reminded him there was nothing to be sorry for. “My love for you is unconditional,” he told Matthew, and pulled him even closer. He thought he heard someone open the door, but they must have left at the sight of the emotional scene, because it quickly closed again. James didn't think once about Aunt Charlotte or Uncle Henry or even the unborn baby. All he thought about was the pain that his brother had felt, and everything he would do to help him.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this all in one sitting, no editing, so sorry if you don't like it. I know this may be out of character, but I just really wanted to see Matthew share his burden a little bit because it almost physically pains me to read about him punishing himself. thanks for reading :)


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